Black & Blue Christmas

Posted by LisaMurray on December 26, 2008

I wondered, and wondered, and wondered some more if I should post this blog about my Christmas.  But then I thought, what’s the point in having a blog if I don’t express myself?  So here it is.

This was a horribly lonely Christmas for me.  I am having problems with someone very close to me and I am questioning if I should keep this person in my life.  They have an ability to cut off all feeling towards me whereas I don’t have that luxury.  The holidays and birthdays are very important to me because when I was 9 and my parents divorced, my mother dropped into a dark depression and stopped celebrating the holidays.  Every Thanksgiving and Christmas and birthday was a huge black hole in our house.  I tried as much as I could to make the dinners or keep things going, but there is only so much a 12-year old can do.  But God knows I tried.  I polished the silver, I cleaned the house, I got everyone to come over and even my mom – who sat there looking like she was more angry at me for “showing her up” than happy that I still had the spirit in me and that I chose to share that with everyone.

Well, I’m not 12 anymore, but now I am in a similar situation.  I can’t believe it.  It’s so annoying how no matter how hard we try, we never truly escape our family bullshit, and believe me, I have tried to transcend it for YEARS.  Counseling, books, workshops, moving away, etc.  And just when I think I’m at a good place, I find myself staring into my mom’s dark eyes again except this time it’s connected to someone who I have CHOSEN to be in my life!!  It’s so frustrating.  I honestly don’t know what to do with this.  It’s insane.

I know life is hard and I know it takes work.  I’m ready for it.  I embrace it.  I’m not afraid of conflict.  But the type of conflict that is reoccurring and where the person doesn’t WANT to change, that’s not the kind of conflict anybody should have.  It’s like I’m 12 all over again.  I feel so powerless.  Have you ever been in this type of situation with a person?  It’s like, they say they love you but they are unwilling to change.  That’s confusing to me.  If I did something to someone that hurt them, and they told me that it hurt them, and I felt bad about it, I would be HORRIFIED if I did it again.  You know?  But why is it that some people can shut off their empathy?  It’s like they can shut off their feelings like a valve and not feel bad for another whatsoever.  It’s so selfish!!  Just like my mother, she was selfish too.  Not because she didn’t have the energy to keep the holidays alive but that she got ANGRY at ME for doing what I could to keep them alive.  That is wrong.  Period.  I didn’t hold it against her that she couldn’t muster the strength to do it.  I just picked up the reins and moved forward.  I always made sure she felt included and a part of everything.  So for her to be mad at me is just insane to me.  It’s wrong.  Plain and simple.  And it didn’t just happen one year, or two.  It continues to this day.  She won’t even send a card on my birthday.  I’m lucky if I get a call.  And that goes for both of my parents.  My own father unsubscribed to my email list, but that’s another story for another day.  But anyway, today sucked.  I was thinking if I had children that perhaps my focus would be on them but then I think… but would I recreate the crap I came from and although I would try my hardest to make holidays fun for them, what if I attract a man into my life who wouldn’t and then the cycle would continue!?  I couldn’t live with myself if that were the case.  Does this narcissism ever end?  I want this cycle to end with me.   But how can I do that?  How can I end the cycle?  Perhaps I shouldn’t have children.  That makes me pissed to write that.  That’s not fair to me.

But the thing that sucks is that I’m tired of holding the holiday spirit on my shoulders.   I want to be in close relationships with people who value being appreciative of what we have and celebrating with our friends and loved ones.  But I fear that I am only capable of loving people who are void of this because this is what feels “normal” to me.  And so I feel so hopeless right now.  I see a sea of Christmases where I am either a) alone like I was today or b) with someone who is void of any holiday spirit – which is how I also was today.  I have expressed all of this to the person I am talking about but they still act this way during the holidays.  I just don’t get it.  What’s wrong with a card?  A little present?  A gesture?  The spirit.  I don’t ask for much.  But just a touch of that spirit would go a long way. It’s not about material things for me.  I honestly don’t see a way out of this hell.  It feels like hell because it feels void of feeling.  Void of spirit.  Void of celebration.  It’s so dark and cold.  It’s mean.  It’s…. well, selfish.   I think emotional coldness creates “spirit bruises”.  Here’s to another Black & Blue Christmas.