Spirit Flood Lights

Posted by LisaMurray on December 13, 2008

	I had a crazy week. Work is always crazy for me because even after 4 months, I’m still getting used to this job. (If you’re new to me, I work at Paramount Pictures in Hollywood)  It’s an insane job. It’s busy and hectic in nine thousand ways. I picture a matrix when I think of this job. It’s kind of like being an air-traffic controller but with information, deadlines, files, and film materials, on multiple film titles, at various stages, simultaneously, in different formats (film: scope/flat, digital, IMAX) and in different languages, with various vendors who overlap and then who are not related whatsoever, for both features and trailers, scripts and film, and all of this from the Hollywood office coordinating with our UK office. (So throw in the different time zone issues as the cherry on top!) I can’t even explain my job without getting confused. Oiy.ANYWAY, I don’t want to talk about that right now. I want to talk about me. So I worked THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON premiere on Monday night in Westwood, CA. (SIDE NOTE: I told Catherine Keener “I love you!” when I saw her. It was a total tourettes moment. I can’t believe I said that outside of my head. But she was cute and funny about it. haha I’m such a weirdo. But I really do love her. She is one of my top 3 favorite actresses. I. Love. Her.) The after-party was at the CAA building. It was amazing. One of the most star-studded premieres I’ve worked. It was black tie and so everyone was dressed to the nines. I was standing right next to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie for a long time. I was watching them interact with people and something happened in me. I was surrounded by actors and actresses, many of which were at the top of their game. And then there I was as a representative from the studio, basically making sure the Viacom/Paramount execs made it to their designated area and had everything they needed, etc. I felt so stupid standing there surrounded by people who were living my dream. At one point Angelina Jolie was sitting down and she was spacing out starring in front of her. When I looked at her she was spaced out looking at me. I smiled and then she smiled. And then I thought to myself, what was she just thinking when she was looking at me? Like, what were her thoughts about me? Was she just spacing out for real like I do so many times a day at my desk? Or did she think about what my life was like for a split second like so many do when they look at her? Did she wonder what it must be like for me to stand there and “guard” a table? Did she wonder if I had dreams that were unfulfilled? Did she feel sorry for me? Did she think back about who she was before she became a mega super star? Did she think, “Gee, that girl should be a famous actress and filmmaker, what is she doing here doing this?” That’s fun to imagine isn’t it? Honestly, I think she was just spacing out, but it was interesting to imagine more. It gave me a window into who I am and what I am doing with my life. That planted some serious seeds which would explode inside of me the next day.There has always been a part of me that likes working in an office, being an organizer, a helper, a whatever. But sometimes I think I’m like that for so many intense psychological reasons. One, it’s easier for me to help others than it is for me to do something for myself. Two, I am good at helping others so I keep doing it because I’m good at it. Three, I am terrified that perhaps doing what I want for just me won’t pan out and that scares the shit out of me. You know the saying, “The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know.” It might be a little of that. But in my Soul, I am an artist. I am a storyteller. And by that I mean, I crave to share my experiences and perspectives with others. I do it in the office. I do it on YouTube. I am doing it here, in this blog that you are reading. To me, that’s what an artist is. An artist shares their experiences through words, movement, music, story structure, paint, photos, sculptures, voice, etc. And so I am an artist. But life’s circumstances have lead me onto this side of the (entertainment) business for a much bigger chunk of time than I ever thought I would be. I can only tell myself that there must be a higher reason that I can’t possibly understand until perhaps I am having a life review at the end of my life. I don’t know. All I know is what I felt Monday night, standing there with aching feet and an even more achy soul, watching my Soul Peers live their dreams while I was busy working in the crystal shop. (THE ALCHEMIST reference.) After working since 8:30 AM, I was able to go home after midnight, although the party went on for at least another hour. The next morning, I screened the first 3 reels of Revolutionary Road starring Kate Winslet (one of my favorite actresses) and Leonardo DiCaprio (one of my favorite actors). I can’t talk about this movie because it is pre-release but I will tell you that it is a very intense movie. I don’t think any movie has ever directly affected my inner truth like this movie. I think I felt a weird tingly “oh my god” kind of feeling when I saw “The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” (another Kate Winslet movie – and also starring my reoccurring dream stalker – yes, HE is stalking ME in my dreams! lol …Jim Carrey) …but Rev Road had a more profoundly DIRECT impact on the center of my being. I had been praying to God lately to bring someone or something into my life to help me clarify my path more to me and voila! In stepped Rev Road. So then I had to take those 3 reels (about 45 minutes of the story) and push it down and stop thinking about it so I could go back into the office and work. I worked for a several more hours and then headed back to the lab to screen the final 3 reels. OMG, the final 3 reels blew me away. If I were trying to hide from my true feelings then this film was the “spirit flood light” I had been hoping for. It was a work screening and we were all there to check the condition of the print and the condition of the subtitles, but guess what?

I was there getting in touch with a deep aspect of my spirit and I was crying. I hate when I cry in work screenings. I’m always the only one too… or at least the only one who can’t HIDE my tears. So the message of the film mixed with the message of my documentary and my live show and my website and my life for many years and what I felt at the premiere the previous night all came to a head and I LOST IT. Balling. Hysterically. Even the guard at the lab was giving me life advice as I tried to exit the lot. I was trying really hard to hold it together but I just couldn’t. And as I was sitting in the screening room, it took EVERYTHING in me not to get up and walk out and never come back. Some part of me inside said, “that’s it, I’m only going to do what is in my heart from this moment on”. But another, perhaps wiser part of me said, “no, bottle that, and then let’s make a plan and act on the feeling with a good laid out plan so that we will be successful and not just dramatic”. And so I only cried. And cried. And cried some more. And then called a couple of my friends and left very long crying voicemails which I found out later they didn’t understand what I was saying and only caught a word here and there. And you know what makes everything so hard on top of all that? My desk is suspended out in the middle of an open area and so there is NO WAY to hide from others what I am feeling. I mean, even if I had an office with a door, it’s still almost impossible to hide from others when you are at work, but where my desk is located, it makes it IMPOSSIBLE. So everyone was asking me, “are you okay?” and I know they were being sweet and caring but I just hate that sometimes. I want to just be invisible and experience what I am experiencing in privacy. I always feel so bad when I have to tell people, “I’m fine” when it’s so obvious I’m not. Oh well, I digress.

So now that a few thousand tears have flushed through my body and the sun has risen and set several times since Tuesday, I feel like I have little more clarity on what happened on Tuesday and why. I think the dissatisfaction I have felt in my mind, body and spirit lately came to a head inside of me when I saw the difference between what I want for my life and where I am. And then Rev Road (again, without revealing ANY story pre-release!) was like a finger in my face – or up my bum – pushing the truth of me and life and decisions into my brain as deep as it could go until what was churning inside of me (my dream, my soul) met up with what was being pushed into my brain (the mental way of looking at dreams and life’s choices which was completely illuminated while watching Rev Road) and they met up in the middle and the result was an explosion of feeling and a release of a lot of pain and sorrow. Yep, sorrow. I think no matter what paths we chose in life, by chosing one path we are NOT chosing the other. So without saying that one path is right or wrong, I am just pointing out that there is mourning involved in life more than I think people admit. Tuesday night, I mourned for the life I haven’t have YET. I am so mad and sad that my parents didn’t support me being an actress at a young age. Most of the successful actors, actresses and singers in the business started as children with supportive parents. I have known since I was little that I wanted to be an entertainer. But my parents didn’t think it was “realistic” and so I was on my own to make things happen for myself. Paying bills and taking care of my responsibilities meant getting a job. And you know how the rest goes… it’s all about work, work, work. And the dream part of my life had just been put into my documentary and then splintered off from there, into my live internet shows on BlogTV.com and my newsletters, websites, etc. But this week some part of me spoke to me LOUD AND CLEAR. Although I enjoy those things, those things are not my dream and that is why I have been so unhappy and stressed out. I mean, my documentary is about dreams, but somewhere along the line I lost track of what my dream was. My dream became getting the doc done so that I could travel around with it in film festivals and talk to other people with dreams. But my dream is more varied than that and the bulk of my dream is about being a performer myself and not just a “writer” or a “filmmaker”. Those are aspects to my dream that I love dearly, but I don’t want to forget the performer part too because that’s a huge part of me and always has been since I put on shows for my grandparents with my younger brother. And seeing Angelina Jolie and Rev Road just reminded me of that. So I will now try like hell not to forget that. Those moments are priceless. I don’t want to let it be for no reason. I will take what I have learned and make the necessary changes. I have to. I just have to. Shit. Maybe in a year from now I will be at MY premiere and I will look over to the studio employee who is guarding my table and I will think about her dreams and whether she is pursuing them or not. Shoot, maybe I’ll even strike up a conversation with her.